Finding Hope for Pregnancy

This morning, I sit here smiling as I feel my baby moving within me. The feeling is like nothing I've ever felt and I thank God for such a precious gift. Although this is the first child I've been able to feel move in my womb, it's not my first baby. I'm looking forward to meeting that first little soul at the gates of Eternity.

***

Tears streaked my face as I endured waves of pain. Jake drove fast, clutching the wheel with intensity. We both knew that when we arrived, the pain wouldn’t stop but that it was best to be out of the car. When we got home, I ran to our bed and bawled. The heaviness of my heart hurt so more than my body. “The Lord is faithful to all He has made,” we recited and read from the Bible over and over in the car. We held our ground and believed that He had the power the deliver and heal me at that moment. But as the pain pervaded, we started to feel sick to our stomachs. Why would God take away precious life that he had given? I was so perplexed…crushed like nothing I can describe.

It took me weeks to tell anyone other than my family. One morning we were at some friends’ home for brunch. The husbands had gone in the living room to talk technology as the girls continued to chat at the table. It was a hot morning and the sun streamed in the window with persistence.  “How’s it going with baby stuff?” One of them asked excitedly.  Everyone knew I’d wanted a baby since forever and the time had finally come for us to try. As soon as she asked, the past few weeks of heartache tumbled out without my control. Hardly able to speak, I managed to get out a few words through tears, “I was pregnant, and now I’m not.”  “Oh, Hannah.”, she said with tears in her eyes. I managed to get through the short, little story of my baby’s coming and going. “I trust that God is good, so I know He’s somewhere in all this but I just can’t see where yet. It hurts so much.” I said, looking at them for any encouragement they could think of.  It’s tough to give advice when someone is grieving because the person is so fragile. One careless word, and I could have been very easily scarred during that time.

“The Lord knows exactly what your future family looks like,” she said. He knows at what hour and day each child will put their trust in Jesus, when they will meet their spouses, and when they will meet their Creator in Heaven.  His will is good and perfect…and He mourns with you.”

I had made up my mind the day after it happened that I had a choice. I could be angry with God or confused. I knew He was good but I didn’t understand how He let things like this happen. I chose to be confused. When Sara spoke those words over me that morning, I started to feel healing. My mind had been so ravaged by emotion, I couldn’t make sense of what had happened. There was no wisdom or energy to try to find a greater purpose.

Do you need to know the details? How far along I actually was? If you asked any mom, they’d probably tell you it hurts to lose a life no matter how much time you had with a little one. But to share with you the extent of instant, maternal love, I was only 5 weeks along.

***

We decided not to try for a while for various reasons. Finally, it was time. I thought God would have mercy on us because of what had happened and expected to be pregnant right away. I could hardly wait to test. Half a week after ovulating, I’d prance to the bathroom, hoping for a positive. But no matter how long I stared at that stick with one stupid, single line, I couldn’t make myself pregnant.

My excitement to test waned as the months went on. After a few months, I didn’t even test because I had become so aware of my body. The tests just made the reality harder. Who knew this whole conceiving thing would be so stinking painful? Who would have guessed that it’d be such an emotional and spiritual roller coaster? I sure didn’t.

I was reading a pregnancy blog the other day and the woman was a mess about her fear of infertility. She wrote a 4-part entry about her “journey to pregnancy”. Want to know how many times they had to try before they had a successful pregnancy? Twice. I had started to read it, hoping to find comfort in another person’s conceiving hardships. When I read that she got pregnant on their second try, I was just a little bit annoyed. But the Holy Spirit stepped in and reminded me that there are stories of such greater hardship than mine. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve tried or how many babies you’ve had to say goodbye to, it all hurts. And He hurts with us.

I didn’t really share with Jake the depth of my fears during this time because it hurt more to speak it out loud. I was ashamed at my lack of faith and hopeless attitude. I’m sure if I had shared more, he could have encouraged and led me to a better understanding of God’s plans for us.

One particular month, I thought for sure I was pregnant. I tested and although it was negative, I knew it just had to have worked this time. The next morning, I was awoken in the night by painful cramps and disappointment.  As I lay there half awake, coming to the realization that there was no new life within me, I heard the words of a song playing in my mind as I grieved, “Fearfully and wonderfully and beautifully made,” I was surprised to feel peace as the song played over and over in my mind. I knew the Lord had used songs to comfort me in the past so I let Him sing.

The song’s lyrics are based on a Psalm in the Bible:

   “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.”

-Psalm 139:14

At first (considering I was half asleep), I didn’t know what God was trying to say with the song. I accepted the fact that it brought comfort to my heart. As the morning went on, I realized the words spoke to my deepest fears about conceiving. If you’ve ever tried to become pregnant and had any sort of trouble, you’ll understand. For the past few months, day and night, I was constantly plagued by the fear that I wasn’t made adequately to have babies. I was so scared that there had been a mistake or that something was broken…that I had the desire for children but no ability to carry them.  And though I barely even admitted it to myself in those months, God had seen and felt and heard my fear. And He sang, “You, my child, are fearfully and wonderfully and beautifully made and you WILL conceive.” Looking back, it brings me to tears. His love for us is unimaginable. And His plans are perfect.

Could I walk humbly before God and believe that He made me without flaw? Even after a miscarriage? I struggled to do just that. I’d like to think that at this point, I started to change how I approached God about my fertility. But I can’t really pinpoint one specific instance when I decided I would now trust his plans. It was a constant, daily battle to give up my plans and declare that I was 100% accepting of God’s future for our family. 

Read the second part of our story here.