My Flesh and My Heart May Fail, Part 2

“I hear the Savior say,
Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
 -Elvina M. Hall

 If you haven’t read part 1, you can find it here. 

 It was 9:30 PM. I had just come home after a long day at school followed by an evening at church for youth group. I had a paper to write and my body hurt. My muscles were in all kinds of knots and my stomach was refusing to digest whatever I ate for dinner. I was frustrated with my body, but mostly with God. I knew he had kept my heart from damage, but that didn’t mean there were no other lasting effects from sickness.

 I had dozens of conversations with my parents about how I was feeling. Throughout my childhood, I leaned on my parents for advice, answers, and faith to believe God when things got tough. But as I fell deeper into this darkness, no person could give me the answers I needed this time. Through my tears, questions I hadn’t cried since that sickly summer day spilled from my mouth, “Why me? Don’t you see me? Can’t you hear my crying?” I couldn’t stop sobbing, partly from the pain and partly from my deepening hopelessness. “If this is what it feels like to live, I’m don’t want to anymore. 

 But… 

Lord, if this is your plan for me…if you can tell me there’s more to this struggle than what I can see, I’ll endure it.” 

 I decided to read a Psalm because at that moment I felt like David, writer of some of the most eloquent groaning in the Bible. I opened up to Psalm 105. I wasn’t really in the mood for what the title foretold, “Tell of All His Wonderful Works” but oddly, I decided to keep reading. It started off strong, “…let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!”

"Lord, I’m seeking…can I rejoice now? Please, just show me what all this is for." But, at this point I was starting to sniffle again.

 Reading on, I soon realized that this was the moment God would begin to answer my aching questions.

 “He [God] called for a famine on the land of Canaan,
cutting off its food supply.
Then he sent someone to Egypt ahead of [God’s people]—
Joseph, who was sold as a slave. 
They bruised his feet with shackles
 and placed his neck in an iron collar.
 Until the time came to fulfill his dreams,
 the LORD tested Joseph’s character. 
Then Pharaoh sent for him and set him free;
 the ruler of the nation opened his prison door.” Psalm 105:16-22


I knew the story of Joseph, how his jealous brothers threw him in a well, then sold him as a slave and told his dad a wild animal had killed him. But in the past when I read Joseph’s story, I never saw the overarching purpose. I admit, I assumed Joseph’s ultimate success as Governor of Egypt gave him a reason to laugh in his brothers’ faces. But I had missed something huge. What Joseph’s brothers had intended for his destruction, God intended for Joseph’s refinement, and ultimately, God’s glory. Throughout, God was building Joseph into a man that trusted and desired to know Him.

 “But the LORD was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison.” Genesis 39:21

 Raised up as Governor of Egypt, Joseph did have an opportunity to laugh in his brothers’ faces. During a great famine, his brothers came to Egypt to buy food. They didn’t recognize him but he knew who they were. The Bible says Joseph had to excuse himself, as to not let them see him “weeping loudly”. When he had regained composure, what he did next just blows my mind.

 “So Joseph said to his brothers, “Come near to me, please.” And they came near. And he said, “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.” Genesis 45:4

Seriously, Joseph? Not even a single smack over the head? Not one guilt trip or intentional display of all your prison scars? No, in the midst of his suffering, he had long realized his grand purpose. Through him, God had preserved his chosen people in famine. And when he finally met with the men who deserved nothing but to starve, instead he forgave.

 That night, my outlook on suffering totally changed. God was inviting me to be apart of his grand plan, but first had to get my attention and change my attitude of entitlement. When everything else seemed painfully uncertain in my life, I finally realized the things that are certain: God’s unchanging love for me even in the midst of my sinful anger and Jesus’ willingness to take my sin on himself and his ultimate promise of eternal life where there will be no more tears and pain.

 “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. God’s design to pursue his own glory turns out to be love. And our duty to pursue God’s glory turns out to be a quest for joy.” -John Piper

Since that night, I’ve been learning to bring God glory no matter what my circumstances look like. And you know what happens when I do so? A deep, resounding joy fills my life, right down to my soul. I look forward to a day when God will make all things new, including my body.

 “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small…compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”
 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, The Message